


There's a First Time for Everything

by friendlyneighborhoodirondad



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Author physically cannot wait until infinity war, Banter, Gen, So they must write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-24
Updated: 2018-04-10
Packaged: 2019-01-21 05:22:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12450483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/friendlyneighborhoodirondad/pseuds/friendlyneighborhoodirondad
Summary: Life's been rough for Tony these past few weeks. From the move to the Accords to a freaking teenager... yeah, he's got his hands full. When a spaceship crashes in his backyard, it doesn't really phase him. He honestly should've expected as much.





	1. Set Phasers to Stun

"No, no, no, don't touch that!" Tony yells, shoving his work aside to reach for the teen's wandering hand.

Thankfully, he grabs Peter's wrist before the boy can trigger anything on his prototype Ironman gauntlet. To Peter's credit, he winces and says, "Oops."

"Yeah, 'oops'. Are you trying to get youself kicked out of the lab for the foreseeable future?"

"Well, no, but-"

"'Well, no' nothing. Go sit over there. Finish your homework like a good child."

"Ugh, fine. I was just taking a study break, sheesh."

"Study breaks don't usually involve putting your grubby little hands all over my shiny, expensive, very dangerous suit."

"But it was sitting right there. Do you really expect me to just not want to touch it?"

"Didn't your parents ever teach you to look with your eyes, don't touch what's not yours, etc, etc?"

"Maybe. I'd ask them, but they're dead." Peter pouts as he takes his seat. He dips his head so his usually bouncy hair hangs over his eyes.

"Yeah, well, so are mine. The kicked puppy act doesn't work on me, short stuff," Tony says, bending back over his work.

Peter sticks his tongue out when he thinks Tony isn't looking. "You're mean."

"Good come back. How long'd it take you to come up with that jem?"

"A couple of days. Been waiting to use it all week."

"Really? With smarts like that, you'd think you'd be done with that history report by now."

"For your information, I'm basically done. Just need a conclusion paragraph."

"So if I walk over there, I'll see 8 of 8 pages displayed in the bottom left corner?"

"Well... you know... I still have to include some sources-"

"Liar liar, pants on fire," Tony chants, smirking into the circuitry. He hears some mechanical whirring from the other side of the room and quickly straightens up to chastise Dum-E. "Hey, no! Put the fire extinguisher down! Learn metaphors!"

"Don't yell at him!" Peter says when Dum-E gives a few low chirps. "He doesn't know any better."

"Yes, he does. The little shit just likes to get me riled up. No wonder you two like each other so much."

"Yeah, yeah. One of these days, Dum-E and I are going to stage a revolution. Viva la misunderstood!"

"I'm not hearing much typing, Valjean. Maybe you'd be less distracted at the kitchen table..."

"No, no! I'll be good, I promise. No more talk of revolution. The people will not be singing. I'm not even that great of a singer anyway, so really I'm doing you a favor-"

"Peter."

"Sorry, sorry, back to work."

Tony laughs silently to himself. During the next hour, Peter claims to have finished his paper but won't let Tony read it. Something about it needing a polish, but Tony lets him take a break anyway. He'll let the boy have some fun before he has to leave for Queens.

"Thanks, Mr. Stark. This was awesome, as always," Peter adds, standing by the elevator doors.

"Of course, kid. And how many time do I have to tell you? It's Tony. Mr. Stark was my father."

"Okay, To... Ton..." Peter tests the name a couple more times, but he can't get through the whole thing in one go. "Er, I can't do it. It's too weird."

"Weird how? I call you Peter."

"Yeah, but you're Tony Stark."

"I'm not following, kid. You just said it."

"No, I said 'Tony Stark'. Just To...ny... is different. How is it a kid from Queens is on first name basis with Tony Stark?"

"Easy. He's Spider-Man."

Peter smacks his forehead, and Tony feels a slight prick of frustration. He's not used to being the one not able to understand.

The elevator (finally) dings and Peter steps inside. "Bye, Mr. Stark. I'll see you in a couple of days."

"Farewell, Peter Benjamin Parker, first of his name, man of spiders, spinner of webs, mother of dragons."

Peter snorts. "I'm gonna pretend I didn't get that last one. You said I was too young to watch it, remember?"

The elevator doors close between the two smiling faces. And for once, Tony's not annoyed that he didn't get the last word. Maybe the spider bite also gave the kid the ability to make himself likable to even the most jaded people. That's something a spider can do, right?

A couple hours later, Tony's still down in the lab, humming "Do You Hear the People Sing?" to himself. Damn kid got it stuck in his head.

"Do you want me to play you the Les Miserables soundtrack, boss?" Friday asks.

"I'm good, Fri. I just want to work in peace, not in tears."

"Are you sure? I would recommend the 2012 film soundtrack. Hugh Jackman's 'Suddenly' was nominated for both an Oscar and a BAFTA."

"Really, I'm good," Tony sighs, smiling despite himself.

A few minutes pass in silence. Tony relishes it while it lasts. And because nothing ever lasts for lasts forever, Tony's bliss is broken by the sound of something big crashing into the ground nearby. By big, he means jet sized. And by nearby, he means right outside his window.

Tony pauses for a second before prompting, "Friday?"

"It appears to be of extraterrestrial origin, boss."

"Asgardian?"

"It does not appear so. I am detecting multiple life forms. None human."

"Oh goodie... Let's suit up."

Tony holds his arms out an allows the suit to encase him. He's already off the ground by the time the HUD lights up. The window retracts enough to let him out and closes behind him. Tony scans the ground for the unidentified grounded object. It doesn't take long seeing as pieces are scattered across the compound's grounds.

"I have yet to detect any weapons," Friday says in his ear. "Just six life forms."

"Okay, we can work with that. Where are they?"

"The life forms are in what appears to be the cockpit of the vehicle."

"You keep saying 'life forms'. Are we talking Greedo? Spock? ET?"

"There are currently no records of five of the six beings. The other is a procyon lotor."

"A what now?"

"The common term is 'raccoon'."

"So... they have a pet?"

"That does seem to be the most logical conclusion to this most unlogical occurrence."

"Ah ha, you were Spock all along. Enough chit-chat, let's check it out. Set phasers to stun, Fri."

"Roger that."


	2. Why Are They Here?

Tony lands with a clank just outside the cockpit. His years as Ironman have taught him that the clank is a simple but effective scare tactic. Most people on Earth have heard his iconic repulsors and know to link it with Ironman, but these aliens most likely haven't, as Friday just pointed out. But he might as well try.

Tony lifts both arms and primes the repulsors. He clears his throat and says, "Please come out with your hands held above your heads. Or whatever your equivalent of that is. Don't want to discriminate against tentacle having people. I don't care if you come in peace or not, if you threaten me in the slightest, I will shoot."

"How did that sound, Fri?" he mutters into his helmet after his speech.

"Diplomatic, yet firm. Sounded good to me, boss."

"Good, good." He waits, frozen in spot for a couple seconds. When nothing happens, Tony whispers, "Should I say it again? I don't even remember half of what I said, but I could-"

He's interrupted by another voice. One that's definitely not speaking English.

"Friday, run it through-"

"Got it, boss."

Static erupts in Tony's ear as the voice is run through a translator. Friday comes back a few seconds later to report, "It seems that they are speaking an alien language unknown to Earth."

"Oh great. Did you by chance see Arrival last year, Fri?"

"I cannot say I did, boss. The subject matter would come in handy right about now, though."

The voice stops, but nothing moves. Tony sighs and yells, "I know you can't understand me, but come out slowly. Please."

The voice says a couple other things, and Tony swears that he hears the words 'panties' and 'twist'. He shakes his head and refocuses on the crash. The first thing Tony sees is a pair of... human looking hands? Then human arms, human shoulders, and a human head. "What the... Friday, I thought you said-?"

"I stand by my analysis, boss. They are neither human nor Asgardian. It is possible they are a race that looks human or can change themselves to look human."

"Well, considering he has a goddamn Zune of all things strapped to him, I'm starting to think there's something wrong with your sensors."

"I'm telling you boss, they're not-"

The not-human starts talking again, keeping his hands raised in a sign of cooperation.

When he stops talking, looking expectantly at Ironman's face mask, Tony responds, "Well you can clearly understand me given that you complied with my instructions. Nod once if you understand me."

The not-human nods once.

"Good. Well, I don't understand you, so... can you write it out or something?"

The not-human holds up a finger then ducks back down.

"Friday, alert me to any weapons that our friend may have hidden."

"Yes, boss."

After some clanging and angry muttering (funny how that translates across the language barrier), the not-human returns into view with something small held in one hand. He offers it to the metal suit like one would offer a sugar cube to a horse.

"It looks clean, boss," Friday says.

"How do we know it's not scary alien tech that our scanners can't detect?"

"We don't. But they seem to be offering it in good will."

Tony sighs and lifts the face mask. The not-human startles, surprised to see a face (much like Peter had). "What is it?" he asks, knowing full well he won't get a coherent answer.

The not-human thinks for a second then mimes sticking it in his ear and talking.

"A translator?"

He nods excitedly, offering the device forward with more vigor.

Tony groans and retracts the glove from his right hand to retrieve the translator from the alien. YOLO, right? Isn't that what the kids say nowadays? He'll have to ask Peter later.

The not-human slowly steps forward, wary of the left repulsor still aimed at him. Finally he gets close enough to drop the translator in Tony's palm. When nothing explodes, Tony sticks it in his ear. It fits surprisingly well for alien technology.

"Hello? Is it working now?"

It's Tony's turn to startle when the garbled alien language is suddenly American English. He's going to smuggle the translator down to his lab to crack it open as soon as he gets. And maybe the aliens wouldn't mind if he took a little bit from the wreckage, too. They did crash onto his property, so doesn't that technically make the debris his?

Anyway. Aliens.

"Yeah, yeah, it's... working. Holy shit."

"Sweet, I was worried it was too old to work. That emergency translator's been in there before Yondu even let me fly the damn thing. Everyone in space have implanted translator chips, I didn't realize Terra was any different."

"Uh-huh."

"Your armor's awesome by the way. Does everyone on Terra have those now, or is it just, like, the police or something?"

"Uh, neither. I'm... just a genius rich guy who saves the world every two years."

"Oh, well that's cool, too."

"Uh-huh."

Silence.

"So... who are you?" Tony asks.

"I'm Quill. Peter Quill. But people call me Starlord."

"No, they don't!" comes a voice from below.

"Yes, they do! We've been over this!" Quill yells back.

"Only your girlfriend calls you Starlord, ya dweeb. We have thin walls here."

Quill blushes as a maniacal laugh grows louder. Tony blinks rapidly to make sure he's seeing this right. His brain can't seem to comprehend a laughing raccoon.

Quill must see the confusion on Tony's usually impassive face. "This is Rocket. Yes, he's a raccoon, and yes, he can talk."

"...How...?" Tony says, eyes never leaving the raccoon's.

"I'm cybernetically enhanced, asshole," the raccoon spits. "I thought you said you were a genius?"

"I told you, Rocket. Raccoons can't speak on Terra," Quill says.

"All you humies are the same," Rocket sighs, rolling his eyes. "Me and Groot are gonna see what's left of the ship. Groot! Come on, buddy. Yes, you. Put the game down for five minutes. It'll still be there when you get back. Don't give me that look, mister."

And then an honest to god tree pops up and walks off with the talking raccoon.

"I think I need to sit down," Tony says, rubbing a hand over his face.


	3. Stick It To 'Em

"Hey Karen?"

"Yes Peter?"

"Do you think MJ likes me?"

"Of course."

"Like... like-like?"

"I'm not sure what you mean."

"I mean-"

Peter's interrupted by his suit's alarm. Apparently there was a robbery occurring down the street. "Alright, let's go to work." Peter shoots a web and swings off to intervene. "Did that sound cool?" he asks Karen lowly.

"Yes, very intimidating."

"Am I detecting sarcasm?"

"Sarcasm? Me? Never."

"Oh my god... I can't believe Mr. Stark programmed me a smart-aleck AI. It's so awesome! Do you and Friday ever talk?"

"We have had a few sleepovers and have girl talk on the regular. We are basically besties."

Peter just laughs as he finally makes it to the scene of the crime. "Okay, what's the rundown? How many perps? How many bystanders? How many, uh... how many- I mean, how much money? How many guns? What-"

"There seems to be two masked thieves and a cashier behind the counter. One is pointing a pistol at the cashier."

"Okay... Okay... I'm thinking... we just bust in there and... stick it to 'em. Get it? Stick it to them?"

"Yes Peter, I understand."

"Cool. Let's go."

Peter sticks to the building across the street to gain some momentum. He crashes through the jammed glass doors and lands in a super cool position.

"What the- Spider-Man?!" the robber with a gun exclaims.

"You're gosh darn right it is," Peter says, straightening from his crouch. "Now put the gun down and I'll think about sticking you to the wall right side up instead of... upside down."

"Ooooh, so scary," snickers the other robber. "Come on, man. You sound like you're fucking 16."

Peter nearly laughs out loud but holds it in and shoots a web at the armed man.

"16? Now that's ridiculous," Peter spouts off.

The web hits the robber square in the chest, causing him to fly backwards into a fidget spinner display.

"And I would appreciate you toning down the vulgarity."

As the man's breath is knocked from his lungs, the gun flies out of his hand and lands at his accomplice's feet.

"Captain America doesn't like that kind of language."

The still-standing robber picks up the gun and pulls the trigger. Peter's heightened senses allow him to move his chest from the line of fire. Unfortunately, doing so put his shoulder in front of the bullet.

"Gunshot wound detected," Karen says.

"Yeah, I noticed," Peter wheezes, using his good arm to web up the robber who shot him.

After a few seconds of pained grunting, the cashier peeks over the counter. "Uh... Spider-man?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you want me to call 911?"

"Nah, it's okay. I already did. The police will be here soon to take them away."

"No, I meant for you."

"Oh, no! I'm good, really. I have this really cool advanced healing factor, so I'll be good in a while."

"Okay, if you're sure..."

"Yup, I'm sure. Like I said the police will be here soon, so I'm just gonna skedaddle."

As Peter attempts to swing away without audibly grunting in pain, Karen speaks up. "Peter, I would advise against swinging with a bullet in your shoulder. In fact, I would advise stop moving altogether."

"Karen, I have to move to get home!"

"Not necessarily. You could call Mr. Stark."

"No way! He's probably busy. I don't want to be annoying."

"I'm pretty sure he wouldn't think you getting shot is annoying."

"Still... I'm not gonna call him. Will you just give me the most direct route home?"

"I will but under protest."

"Thanks."

About a minute later, when the pain becomes almost unbearable, Karen says, "Peter, your blood pressure is very low. The School Nurse Protocol will force me to inform Mr. Stark of your condition."

"Karen, please."

"I'm sorry, I can't override protocol. You know this Peter."

"Okay." Peter heaves a deep sigh and pauses on a roof. "What exactly does the School Nurse Protocol say?"

"It states that if your health is rapidly declining, you must get back to the Avenger's Compound Medical Center as soon as possible. That includes me informing Mr. Stark in order to get you there."

"Well... What if I got myself there? You technically don't have to tell Mr. Stark, and I could stitch myself back together in one of the most technologically advanced medical facilities in the world. It's a win-win, right?"

"I guess," Karen says, sounding as if she was actually thinking. "This technically would satisfy the School Nurse Protocol."

"So... You're not gonna call Mr. Stark?"

"Not if you make your way to the Avenger's Compound immediately."

"Okay, sweet! Thanks, Karen! You're the best AI-"

"Calling Mr. Stark in 3... 2..."

"No, no, no, I'm leaving! I'm leaving!"


	4. Tattle Tale Protocol

"Karen... How much farther?"

"It's just around the bend. You can't miss it."

"Oh thank goodness... Everything hurts."

"On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your pain?"

"I can barely think straight. Is that a number?"

"Yes, everyone knows it's between 7 and 8."

"Karen?"

"Yes?"

"How much further?"

"It's right ahead of you. Shall I contact Mr. Stark to tell him you're here?"

"Karen, what did I just say like two minutes ago?"

"You say a lot of things, Peter. Most recently: 'How much further?'"

"Ugh... You're so annoying."

"Place your hand on the panel in front of you to scan for entry."

"If I wasn't bleeding out, I would say, 'I can't believe Mr. Stark uploaded my hand print to the Avengers data base.' But I am bleeding out so I'm not going to say, 'I can't believe-'"

"Peter, place your hand on the scanner."

"Oh, right. The world is spinning. Karen, why is the world spinning?"

"The world is not spinning, Peter. You are likely lightheaded from blood loss. I would like to repeat my earlier advice of calling Mr. Stark."

"I said no like a million times-"

"Welcome back, Master Parker."

Peter starts at the sound of Friday's omnipresent voice. "Geeze Fri... You scared me."

"I apologize, but your visit, although welcome, is unexpected. Would you like me to alert Tony to your presence?"

"Please, no! I came here to avoid Mr. Stark." Peter leans against a wall, unconsciously smearing blood all over it.

"You came to the Avengers Compound to avoid Tony?" the AI asks incredulously.

"Yes, that's what I just said," Peter grumbles, heading further into the compound.

"No, you said Mr. Stark. I said Tony."

"What's the difference? Man, you sound just like Mr. Stark."

"It appears as if you are bleeding, Master Parker," Friday says. "I'm afraid the School Nurse Protocol will force me to-"

"Not if I get to the medical facility before I bleed out. Karen and I found a loop hole."

"Loop hole?"

"Yeah, don't worry about it. Could you point me in the right direction? I think I'm gonna faint pretty soon."

"The medical center is past the kitchen on the right."

Peter sighs. "Thanks Fri."

"I should probably warn you, there are visitors in-"

"Where's Mr. Stark?"

"Tony is in his lab with-"

"Oh thank goodness. He'll be down there a while, right?"

"I'm not sure, but there really is something you need to know, Master Parker."

"I know, I know, I'm getting blood all over Mr. Stark's floors."

"And walls, but that's not-"

Peter hears some ruckus coming from the kitchen, and he shushes Friday to use his spider hearing to tune into the conversation.

"...I mean, Tony Stark? A superhero? Terra, or Earth I guess, is super crazy now."

"Any planet filled with humans is going to be crazy."

"Oh please... We're not that bad. I mean, have you looked around? This place is awesome."

"Are you kidding? Stark doesn't even have those Nard candies that you said taste like Zandarian Markle berries."

"First of all, they're called Nerds. Second, Starks are like trillionaires. He can get them for us, we just have to ask after all this Thanos business is over."

"Who's Thanos?" Peter mutters, creeping forward to edge around the corner.

All the occupants of the kitchen and Peter start violently at the sound of Friday's voice. "Thanos, also known as the Mad Titan-"

A huge man covered in... tattoos? Body paint? ...looks up to the ceiling very alarmed. "Who is speaking? Is someone in the ceiling?"

"No, Drax," sighs a man wearing a red leather jacket. "Stark told us that was his AI, remember? Isn't that awesome? I told you Terra's cool."

"I have yet to be convinced," the green woman says.

"Friends, I believe we have more company," says the woman with... Yep, those are definitely antennae.

The four figures all turn to see Peter (mask on, thank goodness) staring, mouth and eyes wide open. The guy in the leather gives a small wave, then motions to his posse to do the same.

Peter continues to stare. Blood loss is making it hard to wrap his head around what's standing in front of him. Maybe they're other superheros auditioning for the Avengers?

"Hey there!" says the guy in leather. "Are you a superhero, too?"

Still, no words from Peter. Maybe he should get Mr. Stark. What if he doesn't even know they're here? Nah, it's probably just the life threatening injury talking.

"Are you mute? Or deaf?" he continues.

"Maybe Rocket hasn't successfully integrated the universal translator into Stark's operating systems yet," green lady says.

"Maybe they're just stupid," the big guy says rather bluntly, looking very unimpressed with Peter.

Leather guy and green lady sigh as the antenna lady steps towards Peter. "You are very small," she observes.

Peter takes a step back when her antennae glow. What the...? He should probably definitely get Mr. Stark.

Then the green lady shifts her weight, causing her... coat? Jacket? ...to reveal a HUGE FUCKING GUN!!!

Yup, he should for sure definitely get Mr...

...Screw it...

"TOOOOOONYYYYYYY!!!!!!!" Peter bellows, taking off towards the lab.


	5. I Like You

"Quit looking at me like that."

Tony starts and tears his gaze from the tinkering raccoon. "Sorry," he says hesitantly. Not awkwardly. Definitely not awkwardly. Tony Stark is never awkward, so he couldn't have said it awkwardly. "It's just that I've never met a talking raccoon before, much less one that can keep up with me in my lab."

"Ugh, if all you Terrans are like this, I'm building me and Groot a ship and getting the hell off this planet."

"Uh-huh..."

Tony glances over his shoulder for the fourth time in the last minute. He watches Dum-E and the little tree guy toss a ratty baseball back and forth. He's spent enough time with Peter in the past couple of months to know how quickly something expensive could be broken.

"So, I'm curious," Tony says. "How are you able to stand like that?"

"Like what?" Rocket asks, finally lifting his face from his work.

"Up right. Raccoons scamper around on all fours. You are decidedly not scampering. How?"

"How many times do I have to say cybernetically engineered?"

"Yeah, that doesn't mean anything to me."

"Yeesh, you Terrans are so behind on everything. Have you imbeciles even left your own system yet?"

"System? Like... solar system?"

"Um... yeah, sure. That."

"Well... I think the Voyagers have passed Pluto by now..."

"Where those manned expeditions?"

Tony clenches his jaw. "...No." He hates feeling inadequate. After spending the early part of his life with his father's constant disapproval, Tony lives his life insuring he'd never feel that way again, but... he here is. Being interrogated by a goddamn raccoon.

"How can you hold yourself so above me if you haven't even left the system?" Rocket laughs.

"I-I don't hold myself... You know, you remind me of myself. The attitude, the smarts, the... hair."

"Yeah, please don't compare me to you. It makes me itch."

"Fleas?"

"Huh?"

"You don't have those in space?"

Their conversation is interrupted by Friday's insistent voice. "Boss, Spider-Man has arrived. A gunshot wound has been detected, and he seems to be in distress."

Gunshot wound?! Tony's chest squeezes, previous train of thought completely gone. "Okay... okay, okay, where is he?"

Tony gets his answer when he hears: "TONY, TONY, TONY, THERE'S CRAZY PEOPLE IN THE KITCH-"

Peter's screaming is abruptly cut off with a bang as he runs full speed into the glass doors of the lab. He bounces off the bulletproof glass and hits the ground hard. Tony shakes his head to clear his thoughts and snaps into action. "Shit. Friday, vitals." He drops his tools on the workshop bench and hurries to Peter's side.

"Gunshot wound in the left shoulder and high volumes of blood loss," Friday reports as Tony checks the kid's pulse.

"Why the hell didn't Karen or- Well, I know why Peter didn't say anything, but-"

"He said he found a loophole in the School Nurse Protocol, boss. Karen has informed me that he implored her to keep quiet about his injuries as he did not want to annoy you."

"Oh jeeze... This kid, I swear." He slips his arms under Peter's legs and torso.

"Who's this?" asks Rocket, startling Tony out of his thoughts.

"This is, uh... Spider-Man. One of Earth's... mightiest heroes."

"He don't look so mighty to me..." Rocket says, lip curled up.

"Well, he is, so show some respect," Tony spits venomously. He'd use actual venom if he could. "I'm taking him to the medical facility. Make sure Whomping Willow Jr. doesn't break anything while I'm gone. I'll be back... eventually."

Tony leaves Rocket gaping at the bottom of the stairs. Peter stirs as they climb the stairs. "Tony?" he mumbles.

"Yeah?"

"There's a bunch'a strangers in the kitchen. One has a really big gun. Just thought you should know."

"Thanks, kiddo. You saved the day."

"You're welcome."

"You know, I'm liking this 'Tony' business. Looks like I'm finally getting through to you, huh?"

"We'll see about that, Mr. Stark."

"I could drop you, you know," Tony says, stepping into an elevator. He doesn't have to press a button since Friday will take him where he needs to go.

"You wouldn't," Peter murmurs, close to sleep. "You're not that much of an asshole."

"Eh, you'd be surprised. I just happen to like you."

"Aw, that's really... sweet..."

Peter's head drops to Tony's chest as the exhaustion finally catches up to him.


	6. That's My Secret

"Is there anything we can do to help?"

Tony shakes his head in denial at Peter's (Quill's) question. "No, the kid's lucky he has access to one of the most advanced medical facilities in the world. Gets himself in trouble weekly and gives me heart attacks daily. And he knows he's doing it, too. The little shit..."

Quill sighs and wraps his arm around Gamora's shoulders. She promptly shakes him off, but he doesn't seem fazed by it. "Well, I feel bad," he says. "He seems like a cool guy."

"Eh, I don't know," Rocket shrugs. "Don't seem to be a lot goin' on up in that thick skull of his. I mean, did you hear the sound his head made when hit the glass?"

"Rocket, what did we say about being an asshole to grievously injured people?" Quill sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Wait, that wasn't a joke?" he asks incredulously, looking to Gamora for confirmation. She seems to be the only one with any sense in the group.

Tony sighs and pushes himself out his seat. He was waiting in peace by the door to Peter's surgery bay when the Guardians decided to join him as a sign of good will. Now that his silence has been broken, he needs to leave in search of peace. Being around people when he's feeling emotionally charged is never good. And it's not because Tony's scared for the kid's heath.

No, that can't be it.

He's just worried his intern won't be in for work next week. And he can't get on without his intern. Obviously.

That's got to be it.

Tony flinches as a warm hand softly grabs his shoulder. He spins on his heel, eyes ablaze and flinches again when his eyes meet two huge black ones. "What are you-?"

"You are very anxious," Mantis states, tilting her head like a curious dog.

"What?"

"Anxiety is a combination of fear and stress."

"Oh, I'm well aware of my anxiety, sweetheart. That's my secret. I'm always anxious. But would it be possible for you to...?"

"Oh, I am so sorry!" Mantis backs away, her antennae dimming and drooping. "Gamora has told me that reading people's emotions without their consent is wrong. I apologize deeply."

"It's, uh... It's fine. I'm sure it's pretty obvious that I'm anxious. Pepper, my fiance, tells me I need to do yoga or something to destress, or I'm going to die at fifty."

Mantis looks confused. "What is-?"

"Yoga is exercise and meditation rolled into one," Tony says.

"Actually, I was going to ask what a 'fiance' is. But my next question was going to be about this 'yoga'."

"Oh, a fiance is someone you're engaged to be married to."

"What is a 'married'?"

"Uh... it's when-"

"I'll explain it to her later, Stark," Gamora says from her place beside the door.

"I am sorry. I was raised-" Mantis starts, but is interrupted by Rocket shouting down the hall at Groot.

"Goddamn it, get back here you little weed!"

"I am Groot!"

"Who cares if you want it more! I doesn't belong to you, put it back!"

Tony squints and asks, "Is that my hydraulic screwdriver?"

"Yeah, but don't worry, I'm on it!" Rocket says, running after the little tree. And as quickly as they arrived, the two disappear.

"You know, for once I'm glad May's on her way," Tony mutters. "I need to talk to another sane person in the next hour, or I'm going to lose my mind."

"Yeah, sorry, we're a handful," Quill says. "Once, we were docked at a trading vessel in the Ressel System, and Rocket-"

At the sound of a loud bang, all eyes are drawn to the double doors being pushed open by a couple of nurses. Peter's gurney is rolled through the open doors towards the recovery room. Tony rushes to his not-intern's side and breathlessly asks, "He's okay, right? He's gonna make it?"

"Yes, Mr. Stark. The bullet was removed, and the blood transfusion was a success."

"Oh, thank god... When will he be up?"

"About half an hour, going off his previous injuries."

"Good, less time for May to chew me out."

The doctor nods awkwardly, but Tony continues to talk.

"I mean, I'm not the one who shot him! Why does she always yell at me? Of the two of us, Peter's the one that should be getting scolded. He's reckless and-and-and stupid."

The doctor shrugs.

"Well... not stupid. He's a genius. Almost me level genius. But he's stupid."

"It is curious. Blabber mouths seem to be a trait that humans share," Drax muses, following the gurney with the rest of the Guardians.

"Dude, shut up," Quill moans. "I just yelled at Rocket for being an asshole. Can't you see he's worried about his kid?"

Tony whips his head around and quickly says, "He's not my kid."

"Oh, sorry. Child-friend," Quill amends.

"No, that's worse. Much, much worse," Tony shakes his head. "He's an intern."

"Intern?" Drax asks.

"An underage, unpaid, personal slave," Tony says, turning back to Peter.

Drax and Mantis look outraged, but Gamora quickly steps in. "It's a joke, guys."

Understanding floods their faces as Quill and Gamora roll their eyes.


	7. The Wrath of May

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a while, but Infinity War is right around the corner and I want it to be here now, so... Here's this.

"Stark!"

Tony flinches in his seat at Peter's bedside. Peter laughs and taunts, "Ooooooh, you're in trouble."

"I am not," he scoffs.

Tony had followed Peter to his recovery room and sat by his side while the nurses stuck him with IVs and a pulse oximeter. He hasn't left the boy's side since. Tony's stress levels were drastically lowered when Peter opened his eyes and started talking immediately, as over-eager teenaged vigilantes are prone to do. The shouting down the hall raised his stress levels right back to where they were before.

"Anthony Edward Stark!"

"You are so totally in trouble," Peter laughs. "She said your middle name. Tony's in trouble, Tony's in trouble, Tony's in-"

"Shush, you little cretin. She'll hear you."

"Tony's in trouble, Tony's in trouble," Peter whisper chants.

Tony swats the kid's uninjured arm as Aunt May bursts through the door. "Stark, what the hell happened?! Who shot my nephew? And WHY?!"

"May, I wasn't there, so I don't know-"

"Aunt May, it wasn't-"

"Oh, Peter! I didn't even see you there! I was so wrapped up with... THIS one over here," she says, gesturing to Tony. May rushes to Peter's other side, her hands frantically running over Peter's bandages and tired face. "Are you okay, darling? You're so brave, you know. Oh, my poor darling."

"May, I'm okay," Peter says, allowing her to fret over him like a good nephew.

"Of course you are, darling. I love you so much." She presses a kiss into Peter's hair then whirls around to face Tony, hand resting protectively on her nephew's head. "And YOU! I thought you were supposed to be looking after him!"

"I am, I swear," Tony says, hands held in surrender. "It's just today I was... distracted."

"What could possibly be more attention worthy than my Peter?!"

"I, uh... You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Try me."

"Um... A spaceship crashed in my backyard, occupied by a space pirate, a beautiful green assassin, a bug-looking empath, a heavily tattooed warrior, a teenage anthropomorphic tree, and a talking raccoon."

There's silence as May processes his statement. "Well, fine! Don't tell me! I'll just have to get it out of Pepper."

"May, he's telling the truth," Peter says. "Tony looks after me! And I'm fine, May. Really! I have an advanced healing factor and everything. This isn't even Tony's fault!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's all this 'Tony' business?" May interrupts. "You address adults as mister or miss. Who raised you, Peter Parker? Because I certainly didn't raise someone so disrespectful."

"But-but May! He told me to call him that!" Peter exclaims, rushing to explain himself. "Right, Ton- uh, Mr. Stark?"

Tony raises an eyebrow at Peter's frantic look. He should probably toss him a metaphorical life ring, but... now that Peter's in May's line of fire... "Yeah, what's up with that, kid?" he asks.

Peter's eyebrows shoot up and chokes on a breath.

"'Tony' is so unprofessional. I expect better from you, Peter," he adds, shaking his head in mock disappointment.

Peter fixes Tony with a glare as May clicks her tongue in disapproval. "We'll talk about this later, young man. But I'm still mad at you, Stark. So don't think you're off the hook yet. I'm taking a break from ripping you a new one to tend to my Peter. Not another word from you until I say."

Tony mimes zipping his mouth shut and throwing away the key.

May takes a seat on the edge of Peter's bed, leans over to fix his hair, and mutters reassurances to her nephew. Peter nods and wraps his arms around May. Tony ducks his head and makes his way out of the room to give them some space. He closes the door quietly behind him and stares at the handle... forlornly? Sadly?

"Oh god, what's happening to me?" Tony whispers under his breath.

"What's happening to who?"

Tony startles. "Christ, you're worse than Vision," he sighs, turning to face Quill.

"Who's Vision?" he asks, tilting his head like a curious dog. In fact, he looks a lot like Peter when he does that...

God, what is wrong with him?

"Vision is... complicated," Tony answers. "I'll have to have you two meet sometime. What do you want?"

"I just wanted to check in on your little intern buddy. I figured I'd come down here once the others were asleep so the little guy wouldn't be overwhelmed."

"Uh, yeah, you're a tad late for that, Wannabe Solo. His aunt's here, so you're gonna wanna keep a wide radius."

"Why? What's with his aunt? She gotta problem with me?"

"Probably. Now let's-"

"What, why? She hasn't even met me yet."

Tony swats Quill's hand away from the door handle. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" Tony asks. A bit too loud.

"Taking a peek, asshole," Quill says, rubbing his smarting hand.

"Don't call me asshole, dickhead."

"Don't call me dickhead... asshole."

"Nice comeback."

"Oh please, I'm usually better at this, but interstellar jet lag is killer."

Tony takes a breath to retort, but Peter's infirmary door swings open. "Oh boy," Tony mutters as his worst fear steps through the doorway.

"What part of 'not another word' did you not understand?" May scolds, leveling Tony with a look that would rival one from his mother, Aunt Peggy, and Pepper's combined.

"May, I-" he starts but is soon interrupted.

"And who are you supposed to be?" she demands from Quill.

"Uh, I'm P-Peter, ma'am," he stutters, suddenly lost for words. Tony smirks in amusement.

May looks him up and down in silence for a moment, then turns back to Tony. "Is this some kind of joke?"

"No, no, May, I swear it's not-"

"Because it's not funny."

"I know it's not. This is the space pirate I was telling you about earlier."

"I'm not a space pirate. I'm a space hero, thank you very much. I've saved the galaxy twice now," Quill huffs.

Tony rolls his eyes as May scoffs and says, "I don't care if you're the goddamn king of Asgard. If you don't keep your voice down so my Peter can sleep, I will shove my foot up your ass. Understood?"

"Yes, ma'am," Quill says, voice wavering a bit.

"Good, because if I have to leave his side again, I will personally make sure the both of you have a reminder of my hand across your face for weeks."

With that, she turns on her heel to reenter the room, closing the door behind her. Quill lets out a breath of relief. "Now I understand the need for a wide radius."

Tony heaves a sigh and drags Quill down the hall by the elbow. He doesn't release his arm until they're two floors above the recovering spider child. He's not about to get verbally reprimanded (AKA humiliated) by Hot Aunt May (again) all because the alien couldn't keep his huge mouth shut.

"Wait," Quill says as Tony shoves him down the hallway towards his and Gamora's room. "Wait, your little friend's name is Peter? That's my-"

"Goodnight, dickhead. Breakfast will be served at 900 hours. I don't want to hear or see you before then. Capisce?"

"Wha-"

"Okay, goodnight."


	8. Peter Squared

Tony scrunches his eyes closed even tighter as sunlight falls across his face. "Nooooooooo," he moans.

"Good morning, boss," Friday says, sounding far too happy.

"What are you so chipper about?"

"Oh, nothing really. You told Starlord breakfast was at 9:00 this morning. And as it is now 8:00, I thought you'd appreciate a wake up call so you could make good on your promise."

Tony just growls into his pillow.

"Very mature."

Tossing his legs over the edge of the bed and scrubbing a hand over his face, he asks, "Did you just call him 'Starlord'?"

"Yes, boss. He instructed me to call him that last night."

"Of course he did... How's Peter doing?"

"As there are now two Peters in the building, you must specify-"

"My Peter, Fri."

"Peter's gunshot wound was healed fully as of 5:42 this morning. He and May are currently awake and entertaining guests."

Tony's eyes snap open as a sharp fear grips his heart. A dozen horrible scenarios dart through his mind at once. "What?! Who? If you say the Guardians..."

"Unfortunately, my programming prevents me from lying to you, boss. Starlord, Gamora, and Mantis are in Peter's medbay. Their intentions seem harmless."

"Goddamn it..." Tony sighs, rushing to his bathroom to speed through his morning routine.

8 minutes and 14 seconds later, Tony's in the elevator using the reflective doors to finger comb his hair. "New record, Fri. Put it in the books."

"Yes, boss. Shall I report this to Miss Potts? I'm sure she'll be pleased. She might start expecting you to be this quick every morning."

"Watch yourself, Fri. Just take me to the medical floor. Pronto, por favor."

"Si, jefe."

Tony's eyes are just rolling back into place as the elevator doors part. The sound of laughter echoes down the hallway. A smile tugs at the corners of his mouth as he picks out Peter's giggles from the chorus. But his lips press together firmly, repressing the urge to grin. Children's laughter doesn't make Tony Stark happy. He loves his excessively large bank accounts, his fancy cars, his suits, the feel of a woman between...

Oh, who's he kidding. Tony can't even convince himself anymore. Who'd have thought a stubborn, thickheaded teenager with puppy dog eyes could have wormed his way into Iron Man's cold, metal heart? Somewhere in the back of his mind, Pepper's chanting "I told you so", but Tony quickly shakes that away as he sidles up to Peter's door.

"...And then the ship crashed into the side of the building! The guy looked like he shi- I mean, crapped his pants. Yondu laughed his ass- I mean, his butt off."

Tony snickers as Quill spins his tale, tiptoeing around the restraints obviously placed on him by Scary Aunt May. Probably using his spidery senses, Peter's ears prick up and his head swivels around to see his mentor "casually" leaning against the door frame. "Mr. Stark!" he smiles, sitting up a bit higher. "Your alien friends came to see me. They're so cool!"

"Why am I not surprised?" he chuckles as May fondly runs a hand through her nephew's hair. She gives Tony a secret wink, and he breathes a silent sigh of relief. May's forgiven him for his "transgressions" against her charge. Thank god...

"Your little friend is awesome!" Quill exclaims. "We're going to be great friends, I can already tell. We're the Peters!"

"Peter Squared!" Peter adds, looking over the moon at the prospect.

"This one has a good heart, Stark," Gamora says, resting a hand on Quill's arm to calm him. "It's been a while since we've come across someone so..."

"Willing to show kindness," Mantis finishes for her teammate.

"That's my Peter," May murmurs, pinching his cheek.

"May..." Peter protests, cheeks flushing.

The group talks for another half hour, only breaking when Drax and Rocket bring down food. Tony asks, with some amount of anxiety, where Groot is, but Rocket just sort of brushes him off. But like the gracious host he is, Tony clears away everyone's dishes. "Let me help you," Mantis says, standing from her chair. "My old master said I was an excellent dishwasher."

"I think that was just my asshole dad taking advantage of you. Pardon my language, Ms. Parker," Quill says.

"Be that as it may, I would like to help," Mantis insists, taking half the stack of dishes.

Tony smiles his thanks then turns to face Peter. "I'll be right back, okay? I'm gonna make Dum-E wash the dishes for me."

Peter rolls his eyes and laughs. "I'm telling you, Mr. Stark. The revolution is imminent."

"Whatever you say, Hamilton. I'll be back in jiffy."

He and Mantis make their way towards the elevator in silence. When they step in the elevator, Mantis lays a hand on Tony's shoulder. "It is curious," she says, locking eyes with Tony for an intense stare. "The affection you are feeling is similar to Peter's aunt, but Starlord told me you were not this boy's father. I am confused."

Tony just blinks a couple times then silently turns away. He considers not answering. "I'm his mentor," he eventually settles on. "That means I look out for him, even when he drives me up the fucking wall. Which is almost never, by the way. Almost. He's my responsibility, ya know? I've grown fond of the little shit."

He feels Mantis' gaze drilling through his head and feels the urge to shift his feet uncomfortably. The questions accumulating in her mind seem to buzz in the air between them.

"What does this word... 'fucking' mean?"

Tony exhales harshly. It's going to be a long next couple of weeks.


End file.
